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I’m really doubting right now if God really wanted to me be a teacher. For me, it’s easy. I went to school and received a bachelors in this field and I’m good at it. But now, right now, I don’t feel “fulfilled” in a sense. I don’t know if its the school I’m teacher at, the low pay, or my dreamer side begging to come out. Because in a dream world I would be embarking on an event planning business with one of my best friends. It hasn’t been until recently that I see people living that dream that I start doubting my career path. I’ve now let my “crafty” side out and I love you. It feels good. Something I feel worthwhile pursuing. But am I being too big of a dreamer, is reality escaping me? I don’t know. And I have no idea the solution. Nevertheless, these are my random thoughts. Right now, I lay in bed protesting the idea of falling asleep. I feel as though every time I close my eyes I dream. My dreams are so good that I wake up mad at the fact that they were just a dream. My dreams have been my subconscious desires playing out. And the fact is, that pisses me off. The things I want the most, and have come to grips with not having, are the very dreams I’m having. So now I sit and let my mind wonder because I figure that’s better than waking up with a broken heart. So my phone recently reminded me that my wedding date is soon approaching. I had saved the date months ago and for some odd reason I thought I would need a reminder that i would be walking down the aisle soon. So after seeing that reminder, I feel like I have been walking On egg shells, per say, with my feelings. I keep asking myself “so how does this make you feel?” “Are you sure you’re okay” Through assessment, of myself, I don’t feel anything. Maybe when the actually date hits i’ll feel something. But if I’m honest with myself. The date of November 17th and the significance it once held feels like a distant memory. Feels unreal, like a dream I can’t remember if I had or not. So people constantly ask me if I’m dating or interested in anyone. And just like I can’t imagine getting married on Saturday. I can’t imagine entering into an intimate space with someone else. The thought actually repulses me. It’s too soon. To think I just allowed someone into my life only to find out everything was built on a lie, kinda does a reset on my soul. I feel as thought I have had to reset my way of living, short term goals, relationships with others, and most importantly reset my communication and “relationship” with Christ. This past relationship has caused me to realize I have deeper issues that a marriage will not fix. My issues run deeper than the failure of an engagement. But the failure to be honest and ok with being honest with myself. 11.17.12 - I have been saved from this date. 12.1.12 - I have now been allowed to take a longer deeper look at my identity and who I am. Every now and then I find myself regretting the career path in which I chose. I am a teacher and I love it, but unfortunately I don’t get paid much for it. The pay grade should not be a shocker to me because I have been in this field for five plus years, so I know that teachers don’t/ won’t ever make much. And because of that fact I find myself envying those around me who chose to go into business, health, law, etc. but I only envy the money they’re making. I only want to be able to buy the things they buy, have the “life” they have. 
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